A Normal Reaction?

I recently made a decision to be more honest with people in my personal life about how I am feeling and what I am struggling with. Just to be honest when asked how am I doing. There are a few things that motivated me in this. First, I find it exhausting to always paint on a smile for people when they ask. Second, when I cope so well all of the time and allow people to believe I am OK, I find there are less offers to help and more expectations placed upon me. Third, if what I go through strikes a chord with someone else, and we can somehow support each other through similar tough times, that is a great thing. And fourth, I spend so much time professionally painting a picture of someone energetic, positive, and successful, I need to be able to have space to just be honest at home and with friends.

Which isn't to say that I am never honestly energetic and positive and successful. There are a lot of times when I am - I feel enthusiastic and energetic. In fact, since I went off wheat and dairy, I have more energy than I remember having in my life. I don't mind taking the stairs when the elevator is slow. I don't ind the second trip on from the car with groceries. I don't mind running out to the car if I forgot something. I don't feel like I am constantly dragging my body around. I haven't actually lost weight, but I feel like I have - I feel lighter and more agile. But I don't always feel positive. And I don't like to have to play that part all the time if it's just not true.

And here's what I have noticed since being more honest about my feelings.

People are starting to tell me they think I am depressed.

And I'm finding myself really bothered by this.

See, I know what depression is. I have lived it for many many years of my life. I have been in that place. It is familiar, I know it. I see it in other people sometimes before they see it themselves. And this isn't it.

Yes, lately I have been teary.

But lately watched the 5th school placement for my 10 year old child go off the rails. I have been advocating for him, meeting at the school, the school board, privately with advocates and therapits, and I still don't have an answer. I have been reminded again and again that budget shortfalls may get in the way of us finding an alternative placement. I have listened to his stories about his day and just ached inside because I know the class he is in is so wrong and is effecting him so negatively, yet I am unable to fix it.

Lately I have been unable to get behavioural support and intervention in my home because we are out of funds and our funds don't renew until the end of July. I have asked for additional assistance but been told there are no dollars in the government's budget to help me. I have a different advocate working with me on this, and she two meets the same roadblocks - the funds just are not there.

Lately I have watched my homelife fall into a pattern of meltdown-response-meltdown-response. Our days are full of situation management. We haven't had plain old family fun in far too long. We feel like we are not safe to go out in public because of the meltdowns, so we are trapped here in this pattern.

Lately I have listened to the cries of my other son, who's life is unfairly effected by this. He has been getting out to friends' houses more and more, but still has to be here on school nights ad weekend evenings. And when he is here, he gets very little attention to an of his wants or needs.

Lately I have listened to my younger child scream that he hates me and wants to kill me. I have listened to him make up little songs and rhymes about killing me, or throwing pizza at my head.

And so yes, lately I am teary.

But sometimes I think tears are just an honest expression of a normal reaction to a totally abnormal life.

How can I be an honest and authentic person and be happy through this time?